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Government Report Warns that Chicken Zombies are Real and Terrifying


A recently uncovered Pentagon guide briefs trainees on handling a zombie attack. It also warns of a barnyard variety of zombies that just so happens to be lurking in America’s farmlands right now – chicken zombies.

“Chicken zombies occur when old hens that can no longer lay eggs are incorrectly euthanized by poultry farmers using carbon monoxide,” the zombie apocalypse training guide instructs. “The hens appear dead when buried but inexplicably come back to life and dig themselves out of piles of dead chickens. After reaching the surface, CZ’s stagger about for a period before ultimately expiring due to organ failure.”

Unlike the other zombies, including evil magic zombies (the result of occult experimentation) and vegetarian zombies (classified non-dangerous) in the CONPLAN 8888 report- which is meant as a near-impossible scenario for training, not a real-life battle plan – chicken zombies are a real problem facing American poultry farmers today.

Spent hens typically only have about 1 pound of meat on them when they stop laying eggs, meaning that they cost more transportation to the slaughterhouse than they are worth in finished meat products. As a result, many poultry farmers suffocate the hens in a box with gas and use them for compost, raising the ire of animal rights groups and food banks who say that the chickens could be more humanely treated or used to feed the poor.

While the zombie chickens may only be freaking out real farmers for now, during a zombie apocalypse – according to the feds – these improperly killed hens will scare the bejesus out of surviving humans trying just trying to not freak out with a world filled with the living dead.

“CZs are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty,” CONPLAN 8888 demands, suggesting that even in a zombie apocalypse, groups like PETA are likely to somehow survive and have a following, which just may expand to include those non-dangerous vegetarian zombies as well.

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